Daniel vs. Mama

Once upon a time, I was the same age as Daniel and while I was significantly premature at birth (6 weeks early!), therefore significantly smaller than he is now (as are 90% of kids his age, though), I was hitting my milestones and growing right before my mother's eyes. Just as Daniel is doing now.

I'm sure he's been teething for a while now, with the constant chewing (on anything, even his father's knuckles), little by little his back muscles are getting stronger and he manages to sit unassisted by us (hunched over with his hands on his legs or on the floor) and now he successfully turns from back to tummy like a pro. He finally perfected the tummy to back roll earlier last week - it took him a while to get that down, it seems. But the opposite direction, he seems to have mastered it in days. His first time doing it fully was on his 5th month birthday, this past Sunday. He had been working up to it for probably a month or so, grabbing a hold of his feet and rolling to his side - but he never attempted it, until about Friday. I could tell he wanted to, that he was trying, had his body all the way over... except for his head. Or he would make the motion, but straightening out his body to actually roll over would roll him right onto his back again. While I was getting a few more hours of sleep on Sunday morning, his father told me that he had rolled onto his tummy not once, but TWICE! I was so happy to hear it but honestly forgot about it until the afternoon when he was on skype with his parents. At that time, I remembered and mentioned showing his parents, too. "Prove it!", I said to Daniel.

And boy, did he.

I have yet to feel that kind of pride in something Daniel has done yet, at least not that I can remember. The first couple of months of his life were a total blur and I honestly don't even remember when it was he first rolled over and now that he does it so easily, I am happy and encourage him but it isn't this wondrous thing. After he rolled onto his tummy for me, I clapped and raved at him; the smile on his face showed he knew he made us happy with that, and he hasn't stopped since. He has spent very little time in his bouncer today, as every time he wakes up, I put him on his back on his blanket. Surrounded by toys to encourage him, he rolls over and scoots his little self around to explore his home from a new vantage point. All this new play is taking a toll on him, though - he was already on his second nap around 2, a mere 2 hours since waking up from his first nap that he started a little after 9 and ended at noon.

I can't help but feel how much he is growing as a little person while I'm just so... stuck. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home with him and allowing him as much mama time as he can possibly handle, but there is a part of me that misses going to work. I miss adult interaction, being a nurse, taking care of people, and making money. I miss that most of all. Money isn't everything, not by a long shot... but NOT having it all of the sudden shows me just how much even the little cash I did bring in before helped. A lot. So I've been applying to various jobs, hoping and praying (and NOT hoping and praying, just in case indifference works in the big karmic cycle...) that I at least get a call for a job interview. So far, nothing. So now I feel nothing. Nothing but a lack of personal growth. That irks me.

So now, I'm just enjoying and living vicariously through my little boy's HUGE steps towards mobile independence and laugh as my friends and family comment "and so it begins!" on his pictures of exploration on my Facebook. Something will happen for me soon, but like always, I'm just not sure what.

 

After-thought: if you have Instagram, feel free to follow me! My username is juriaguria and as you can expect, lots of pictures of Daniel are on there ;)

How I turn little things into mother's guilt

My man is *ahem* slightly hungover and is napping with Daniel (at my request) so I am putting my feet up (really!) between some straightening up and getting ready for dinner. I know my sanity requires this but I can't help but feel extremely guilty over how I'm leaving the sugar container on the dining table from my coffee consumed hours ago, or how I should move the baby bouncer to the wall instead of where I dragged it to be near the couch... or how my toenail polish is so old, my pink toes aren't even varnished anymore.

But what really has me feeling the extreme pressures of guilt, besides everything else in my life, is the fact that my son has a gnarly little rash going on down south, that is entirely out of my control and not my fault but still is my fault completely. Darn my inability to predict his poops and that he may potentially sit in them for a little while! I started using cloth diapers during the day, which claims to help eliminate diaper rash completely. The one disposable diaper we use at night rarely encounters poop anymore (he's a daytime pooper) so I don't think that's the culprit, and we're not supposed to use barrier cream or ointments with cloth. So what am I supposed to do?! I heard a tip and did some research on use of coconut oil as a ointment for cloth diapered babies, so I've been using that... with very little success so far except to make my wallet sad over the $7 per 6 ounce jar at Whole Foods. Why.

So I've been casually job searching and I think I may have found something worthwhile (emphasis on may, as communication regarding said job is painstakingly slow), it would be a per diem job as a registered nurse but I am terrified, TERRIFIED of the idea of taking Daniel to a baby sitter or daycare. Like somehow, the one or two day/few hours a week he'd spend with someone other than me or his father will ruin him forever? Yeah... I just sit here and wonder how moms or dads who have no choice but to daycare their kids almost from birth do it. I know the majority of childcare providers are NOT the scum of the earth unworthy of even being under my shoe, I just can't help but think the terrible things that have happened to children in the past will ALL happen to my precious son.

Becoming a mother has turned me into the best and worst person I could possibly be - the ultimate in motherly love and the fatalist drama queen. I need help. Or just to get over myself. A little household disarray, tiny rash on his bum, and a scrap here and there with fellow daycare kidlets will not ruin my son... I just need to remember that.

On Either Side of the Dividing Line

Since my dear Daniel was born going on 5 months ago, it has been increasingly difficult for me to even remember (or want to, for that matter) what my life was like without him. He seems so much a part of me every day that life without him is truly inconceivable. With that said, as he gets older, there are things I miss about the days before he was born. The biggest of that (very) small list being: sleep.

Growing like a weed.

It's 11:30 at night and I am importing photos from my iPhone to my computer in hopes to clear up some much needed space on my portable lifeline. I haven't imported photos since the little guy was about a month old and well, he's 4 months+2 days now and yeah, I'm looking at over 1000 photos! I'm sure the actual damage could be much, much worse. It's fun though, as each photo pops up on the screen as it's saved to my hard drive; reliving each photo and seeing how much he's grown in the last few months is such a treat. Did I mention that a couple weeks ago, I had him weighed at the WIC office and he clocked in at a smooth 17 pounds (he wasn't even 4 months old yet!). It's hard to believe considering how I feel like he's been this way forever but yes, he really did gain 10 pounds since his birth and yes, he has changed tremendously!

Greetings from Irvine!

Well, my little family and I have officially landed in our new home in Irvine, an hour and some change from San Diego so it's not too terribly far... but as of this moment, I am severely missing home. My parents. My brother. Sigh... I'm at a Starbucks right now, attempting to grab a few moments for myself. It's weird that I spent every single day of the first 2 months of Daniel's life with him and how quickly I got used to going to work 5 days a week for 2 months after that. Last week was my first week as an unemployed woman so I have spent almost 10 whole days spending every waking moment with him and OH MY GOSH I'm spent. But I digress...

Our apartment here is perfect. We decided to go with a one-bedroom instead of a two-bedroom to save money since the baby is still small, rooming/bed sharing and waking up at least once a night to nurse. Having an extra room would be nice, but a waste of both space and money. Irvine is definitely on par with some of the more expensive locations in San Diego as far as rent and cost of living goes so I'm glad we came to the realization that we needed to scale down our living situation to be able to survive out here. I can't wait to start job hunting, but going on day 2 of Gary's new job and my SAHM-status and I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

I will try and update soon. We are due to get internet in the next day or so but I'm hoping to get everything unpacked and situated before I get elbows-deep in my normal routine again. Pictures soon!

On hindsight and looking forward.

I have a good friend who I've known most of my life. We first met when we were toddlers, our Military fathers introduced through our Japanese mothers. Their second child, a girl, is my brother's age while my friend is just a few months younger than me, and both of our families relocated to Japan in 1998 after being about 20 minutes from each other in southern California. Needless to say, our lives have run very paralleled to one another and we cross each others paths all the time. A few years ago though, our lives took a dramatic turn from the mirrored paths we lived for so long - she got married the same year I left my ex-husband. I was so negative and dejected about love and marriage that year and while I was so happy for her, I was so scared for her. While I am happy with the way my life is in every way, I would never wish divorce on anyone, especially such a close friend.

I've since healed my heart and mind from that kind of thinking; a few years later and they're going strong, living in the Midwest where her Military husband is stationed. They just welcome the birth of their first child this past weekend, a healthy baby girl who was bigger than my own big boy was when he was born! So while the sexes of our children are different and I'm not married to the father of my son (yet), we seem to be finding that parallel path we followed for so long again...

A breather.

The last month has been a whirlwind for our Trio, I have sat down numerous times to blog but something always pulls me away... OH YEAH, it's motherhood!

Truly though, we have all been so busy but I honestly can't think of anything to start with. I guess I'll just start with me going back to work at the beginning of February. Though, that may end again for a little while as our family has a huge blessing in the works: Gary found a fantastic job, finally. He's been working a dead-end (literally, $15/hour with no opportunity for job growth) job as a contractor for the Navy for about 6 months, job searching and application day and night since he got here to California in June of last year, being such a trooper despite hating everything about this job except for the fact that it was something that paid until he found something he could be proud of. I am so, so proud of his effort to further himself professionally and to provide for our family... but it doesn't come without a price. We'll be moving to Orange County in a few weeks, a little under 2 hours from my parents but still very close to many other extended family member... but still. I've been out of the house for years now but have always been just a stone's throw from my parents, until now.